Matthew 27:32-54 (Alternative Version)

32As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced him to carry the keg. 33They came to a place called Golgotha (which means The Place of The Party). 34There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with vodka; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it. 35When they had partied with him, they divided up his stash by casting lots.[a] 36And sitting down, they kept watch over him there. 37Above his head they placed the written charge against him: THIS IS JESUS, THE KING OF THE PARTY. 38Two cheerleaders danced with him, one on his right and one on his left. 39Those who passed by hurled paper cups at him, shaking their heads 40and saying, "You who are going to destroy the frat house and regret it tomorrow, save yourself! Come down from the roof, if you are the Son of God!"

41In the same way the Dean and the chess club mocked him. 42"He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! He's the 'King of The Party'! Let him come down now from the roof, and we will believe in him. 43He trusts in hair metal. Let hair metal rescue him, for he said, "Van Halen are rad" 44In the same way the cheerleaders who danced with him also heaped insults on him.

45From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. 46About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani!"—which means, "This party rules!"

47When some of those standing there heard this, they said, "He's so wasted."

48Immediately one of them ran and got a bucket. He filled it with water, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jesus to drink. 49The rest said, "Now leave him alone. Let's see how he feels in the morning."

50And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he threw up his spirits.

51At that moment the curtain of the frat house was splashed in vomit from top to bottom. The campus shook and the keg spilt. 52The dorms broke open and the bodies of many drunk people who had passed out were raised to life. 53They came out of the dorms, and after Jesus had passed out they went into the town center and appalled too many people.

54When the captain of the football team and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the incident and all that had happened, they were impressed, and exclaimed, "Surely he was awesome!".